The Return

On my Way back Home

While I was sitting on the airplane flying back ‘home’, I did not know what to expect. Once again, I was on a never-ending emotional rollercoaster. I was excited, scared, happy, sad – everything at the same time. I was not even sure if I was actually returning ‘home’. For the past 19 months, the world was my home. No matter where I went, no matter whom I spent time with, somehow all the places, all the people felt like home to me. I was a wanderer exploring the world in all its varieties. There was not a single moment where I actually missed Germany, my country of origin. Sure, there were moments where I wanted to see my family, not on a screen, but in real life. Every now and then, I wished my friends to be with me, to share certain moments with them. Although they were not physically on my side, I always carried all my beloved-ones with me in my heart and my thoughts. Most of the time, I was travelling on my own, but I was never alone. I carried all the people from home with me. No matter where I went, there was never a feeling of not belonging, rather a feeling of being home.

When I started my journey, I did not want to think of the potential end of it, of course. I knew it would not last forever, but I did not want to give it too much thought. I rather enjoyed every single moment of my trip. Doing so time was just passing by. All of the sudden, the seemingly just started trip reached its final. One and a half year later.

While I was traveling, every now and then fear and doubts were coming up when it crossed my mind that I have to start all over again in Germany. Before I left, I gave up everything I had. I quit my job; I gave pretty much all my personal belongings away, because at that point I did not know when I was coming back, rather if I was ever going back. Unfortunately, everything comes to an end.

Here I was. Sitting on the airplane on my way back to the country I left many months ago; a country I thought I left for good. During the 13 hours long flight, I had plenty of time to think about the past, but also about the future. I was excited to see my friends and family again. I was sad about the final end of my adventure of a lifetime. I was happy and grateful for all the wonderful people I met in the past months. I was scared of what to expect when I was back. What am I going to do with my life? I still had no clue where I want to live and what I want to do for living. I was hoping to get find some answers while I was gone. All I got were more questions than ever. I was absolutely clueless.

Contradictions

The first couple of days back home were not as awful and hard as I thought they might be. Most of the time I spent visiting friends and family, showing them that I was truly back.

After saying hello to everyone, a period of ups and downs followed. One day, I felt good about being back. I was motivated and felt confident that everything was going to work out and I will find my own way, create my own new life in an old, familiar environment. The other day, I felt bad about my return. I struggled with impatience. Now that I was back, I was ready to start recreating my life and myself. It felt like standing in a queue waiting for it to move. Unfortunately, the line was not moving fast enough. I am young, motivated, well educated. I am ready for my life to begin! Waiting is killing me. I want my new life to start. NOW!

This was not the only rollercoaster I was sitting in. At the same time, I had moments where I felt like nothing has changed at all while I was gone. What did I expect? Of course, the picture of cities and villages would not entirely change. Therefore, I was not gone long enough. It was more terrifying to me that some people seemed to live the exact same life. They had the same thoughts, the same way of living, their usual disinterest in change. It was hard for me to acknowledge that some people do not want their lives to change. They do not want to try new things over and over again. They rather stick to the things they know well, things that make them comfortable. Apart from that, I also had moments where I felt like I was gone too long. I missed out on many things. In some people’s life where some actual changes. Now I had to catch up with them and their new lives. As fast as I could. I do not want to miss out on too many things again. Especially not if it is about my family.

Being back

Ever since I am back, people ask me how long I will stay for this time. They are certain I will leave Germany the sooner or later. While I was sitting on the airplane on my way back home, I was sure about it too. I had the feeling I have to leave the country as soon as possible again. I was afraid I would never feel home again. Honestly, I try to avoid this question. I do not want to give it a lot of thought. I might leave again at some point. But I do not know when. Why would I think about leaving again if I had just returned? I had not even my new life started yet. Until I have, I neither want to wallow in memories nor do I want to make any future traveling plans. I rather enjoy the present moment and make the most out of it.

How do I do that? Well, I start my day with a run in the fields where I enjoy nature’s beauty and spring flourishing. After energizing myself with a workout, I usually do a mediation season to calm myself down again. Every now and then, I go for a swim that is the perfect combination of both. It gives me energy, but it calms be down at the same time. Apart from my daily sport activities, I cook delicious food; I go out for dinner; I enjoy outdoor festivals; I explore my home region; I go for hikes; I meet with lots of people; and much more. Apart from all those fun activities, I am trying my best to find an interesting, well-paid job that I can identify with.

Doing so I try to be always aware of how much I changed and how I can recreate my life in a more positive way. I do not want to fall back into old patterns and habits. This time, I will make the most out of my life. Because this time I returned as a new, better version of me. This way I might not have to leave again after all, because up to now I actually feel home again.

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